| ¬.¬" Why? |
[Aug. 10th, 2005|04:56 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Counting down the days - Natalie B. | ] |
Why do feelings fluctuate so much? Or does this happen to those who just aren't purely and deeply in love with someone? Why does my heart hurt at times... yet seem disconcerned during other times? Is it because I'm too simple to understand the depth of love? Or I was in love but have so easily fallen out of it? I blame myself for my lack of confidence, yet I don't think I'll ever feel secure with a person ever. If you tried your best, I'm sorry... but it's not working... I do think about him, but it's kind of painful now and filled with more sadness than happiness. My uncle from Hong Kong called me this afternoon during work, and he was like asking if I had a boyfriend yet. Of course the answer was the same as always, I simply said, "I'm going to be single pretty much for this lifetime." He's like How could you stand so firmly on this already? I was like, LOL I decided on that since I was 17. I'd break too easily if I were to be in love. I'm not as strong as those who are in actual relationships. There is so much I actually want to say, but I'm too afraid to say it. Writing this much... is already scary. I'm pretty sure we start lonely and end up being lonely. The term lonely has been misinterpreted for so many centuries. Loneliness can be something beautiful. I think I'm beginning to feel a lot of things I once didn't feel the same for. I've become such a GIRL. XD Wanting to clean my room, worried about the way I look, the way I dress, finding education as something exhilerating and fun. Maybe because I know that I will no longer have school in two years... and my studying periods will no longer exist and will be replaced by a working environment. I thought this sort of feeling... was merely temporary... the lack of feeling as much for Alan... I am trying to give it a week's time to see if anything else appears on my mind. Only thing is, miracles don't happen that often and fairytales are called fables because they don't happen in real life. Alan is like Cinderella, and I hope one day he finds his Princess. Wish him all the best =]
ru. |
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| ¬.¬" i wanted... |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|01:02 am] |
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i wanted to kiss him. but how can i do so over audio? and why was i reluctant? maybe cause i'd be like kissing the microphone and that would be bloody stupid... but i really really..... wish i could be there physically for him. a hug is somehing so simple yet it's medicine for the heart and mind. Only thing i can really do is, let him vent to me. I listen, I am listening, and I won't forget. I'm sure his life will be full of colour, music, and laughter. As long as he keeps on believing, holding onto his values, he will. All i can do, is be his believer, supporting him by listening. I love you, Alan. And don't you forget that ^-^. God bless him, please. |
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| ¬.¬" So.. BRAVE !! |
[Jul. 29th, 2005|11:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | da dom.. da dom.. da dom. | ] |
Okay yesterday night was like... oh my... goodness... Alan.. sheeshhh! Why did he have to be.. so.. friggin.. brave? But I was half right, he called up both his parents when he was only looking for his mom's opinion. The dad's answer was expected, making me HALF RIGHT but his mom's cool with the age issue. But then Alan hasn't told her the second issue that revolves around DISTANCE! That though, that will take a lot more time to digest... and my gawd I had to hear the entire conversation > <" i was like... omg omg... shit shit... the entire time. His dad wouldn't let him speak haahah. I found that so jokes. I tried to sleep. Whenever I laid down on my pillow though, I heard choo choo train noises between my rested ear and the pillow. I useto hear that kinda noise when I was a child. Then I realized it was cause my heart was beating at a different tempo. ^^" I manage to rest though cause of my . I heard choo choo train noises.... come to think of it... my heart's beating harder.. just.. reminiscing the incident that happened last nite. WAHH. So many problems lie ahead... I wonder if it's possible to overcome them. Ugh! I woke up with this pimple in the middle between my nose and upper lip. Yes I blame that due to stress from last night's conversation. LOL. Gao mang ar! wahhhh. Alan, next time, don't be so YUNG GUM MM GOY. Hak say ngor la =S $^%#&#@ |
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| ¬.¬" ALAN! |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|12:09 pm] |
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EDIT!!! This entry has been deleted. LOLOLOL. |
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| ¬.¬ void |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|11:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Slightly hopeful. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | People talking from afar. | ] |
Yesterday, I did manage to go out with Janice after 6 pm. She was shopping for Japanese magazines and I was looking for everything else. I bought like two pairs of earrings, bracelets, and several clothes. Man... I splurggeedddd. I now understand the feeling... of intense insecurity. The more I consume, the emptier I become. Is my glass half full or half empty? What do people do to seek true happiness? What exactly is true happiness? At the moment I feel like the biggest failure that has ever lived. I still hold optimism though, that I have hope. Hope to achieve better, it's funny, though I am in the Advertising stream, I am planning other things, small businesses. Janice is doing the same. I almost forgot why I liked design. I miss design, I miss the thrill, the enthusiasm, plentiful inspiring motifs people come up with. I miss it all, but damn I lack skills. Yesterday night while going through the course schedules, I have more courses for second sem than first, which basically is going to screw me over. SOMEONE DROP PACKAGING DESIGN NOWWW. XD. Then yah, I'll be thankful, thanks in advance ^^v. I need to feel secure, I don't want to be a typical consumer, especially when I am in Advertising. It's like fooling myself. HAHAHAAHHA. The more I spend... the emptier I become... that... really sucks... So today at work. I brought my design book! HAHAHA. READ ONNNN. I hope this year, things will take a turn for me, the strive to become better, stronger, and more secure.
P.S: Yesterday while looking for accessories, so jokes Pretty Boy was playing and I couldn't recognize it, I was and am still ashamed for not remembering the melody when I play that damn song like the entire night when I sleep. Grrr. Weird thing was it was in Mando version. LOLOLOL. v^^ |
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| ¬.¬ observation |
[Jul. 12th, 2005|10:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Honey & Clover Theme Song | ] |
Since my job varies from being super mundane to super chaotic from time to time, I use the minutes of being bored to look at people who walk by the store. So many people, so many styles, morals, attitudes, each take on. You dote on them as though you can read them as they walk past you. I see older generation couples holding hands, it makes me wonder how much really are they in love. I see younger adults carrying their children around, some walking solo, others walking with friends, looking lost walking by themselves... just... what people choose to do, rather fascinates me. The way they dress, the way the pretty ones ignore their beauty in plain clothes or rags. The way the ugly ones try so hard to dress nice. The growing teenagers who continue to wear sweat pants and t-shirts tell me that the don't want to change, they don't look forward to change, or they fear of changing, as our mind takes on a much slower perspective than our physical self. You see where I'm getting at? This has been a confusing entry. I love observing people, I was surprised how different different everyone is. Which applies to what I've said before, I believe everyone's unique. Not a single person is the exact same as another person. They can not think at the same time for the same reasons at a given moment or at a continuous rate. If there are people who do that, i really would love to meet them and ask them about their life story. I like hearing stories, but I don't like hearing fake ones. Stories teach us, protect us, and adds intelligence to a person if they listen carefully in preventing themselves from going through what victims have gone through. I love observing people, even if they were gross by taking off their pants while wearing a long skirt, yes it happened again today. UGH. To those who are genuinely sweet, where a couple actually wears the freaking same colour and holding hands. HAHAAHAH I mock them, but it's still cute. That woman was totally whipping her husband though HAHAHA. Yup, that's about it. I kept Alan waiting long enough, he's talkin about dreams! His dreams, always tend to be so symbolic. He doesn't agree though. |
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| ¬.¬ smiling from inside out |
[Jul. 10th, 2005|10:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gooeeyyy =] | ] |
| [ | music |
| | M2M pretty boy still lol | ] |
Well I was just browsing on friendster using Hai's account lmao, and all I wanted to see was Alan's page. LOL. Going into it... looking at his edible sporks picture just made me go all gooey inside. ^-^ I tilted my head to one side and just smiled. Of all the pictures he chose to use, he chose the one i screen saved XD I love what he does, he's never annoyed me ever, his little actions, his movements, make me smile or literally laugh out loud. I feel so much for him, and I do miss him every minute of the day. It's so funny when he asks me, "Did you miss me?" When we both know the answer to it =]. Edible sporks, I won't forget that, it reminds me of you attempting to eat an entire cow raw XD. So many little things, loving every moment possible with Alan, never ever want this feeling to end. Wow my neck's tired from tilting to one side XDDD.
Oh, and about my confidence? I'm slowly achieving that on my own, with his help of course. It may be scary exposing oneself to someone, but the aftermath is worthwhile and the feeling of security blossoms. He's talented at making me smile, at keeping me happy, I just want the same for him, I need him to be happy so that I too can be 100% happy. He surprises me so much, I love how genuine... his answers/responses to me are, he's just so cute like thattt XD. Wow damn, I'm gushing about him so much.
M2M - Pretty Boy 07.08.05
Oh my pretty pretty boy
I love you
Like I never ever loved no one before you
Pretty pretty boy of mine
Just tell me you love me too =]
Oh my pretty pretty boy
I need you
Oh my, pretty pretty boy I do
Let me inside, make me stay right beside you. =]
Alan is my pretty pretty boy *hearts* |
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| ¬.¬ pretty boy |
[Jul. 9th, 2005|12:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Bliss. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pretty Boy - M2M my own version LOL | ] |
Yesterday started out weird for me, I had no idea Alan was frustrating over me. I felt so.... sjfklsdfds. He was frustrating over something I laughed about ^____________________^ So we were on the phone for like 2 hours, he kept trying to get it out of me, but DAMNNN I've never felt so exposed ever... and it was funny cause he tried to make everything sound SUPER serious and I laughed at it, and then when i listed my cons he started to laugh at them and i felt stooooopidddd. So at times we both felt dummmb. Then I scanned him the sticker pics I took that nite with the G.N.O not guys nite out, GIRLS nite out thanks~ So yah.. Then I realized I was talkin to Alan till like a long time till I realized I didn't eat and was still not hungry. I really really wanted to express my feelings for him, since I failed at making him smile... and he was so good at making me happy... he wanted me to sing My Pride, he thought the song really suited my situation... the canto version, but i still say the manderin version's betterrrr XDDDD. While Alan was mowing the lawn, I was recording my voice, had to drink two cups of honey water LOL. Throat was like dyingggg. After singing the two shorter songs, like Frente and My Pride, I was like... I really miss the song pretty boy by m2m.... So I redownloaded that song. That song really was how I feel about him... his expression over that song was like godly.... i wowed him, and he wowed me back with his answer ^-^ So basically we were both smiling, I was red from embarassment for shameless advertising and he was crimson from hearing the lyrics XDDDD. I'm just glad, he slept good, this is so genuine, everything about this... is so real. I keep listening to Pretty Boy M2M now, and I can't stop singing to it xD. Love you Alan. nothing changes... only increase in hearting you~ LOL. Mushy enuff for yah? ^^ |
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| sigh... |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|07:49 pm] |
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After getting an answer from my mother, I took it as my way of reaching an answer from God. I needed guidance, if God wasn't assisting me, or I don't feel that he has, I ask my mother, so I ended up telling her that I had someone in mind, that someone's Alan. My mom knew all along, she was just waiting for me to finally bring it up to her. She said we are impossible, that the disadvantage goes only to me, because I'm the older one. The fact that I'm a girl makes it worse, luy jey mm dung duk because once we get old, mo yun yiu ga la. Not like I'll have anyone in mind after this incident. I know it's silly, to fall in love with someone over the internet, whom you only speak to is him, so everything he tells u, everything i tell him, would only come from ourselves and no other. If he knew more cons about me, he wouldn't want me, he wouldn't wish to have anything to do with me at all... He honestly is too good for me, no matter if he says all he wants is me... that made my heart skip three beats, but the fact is that he never gave another person a chance, and if he did, that girl would be so lucky. He might hate me now... but he'll be... super thankful later. And I'll still be the one miserable in my dwellings. I haven't really broken my promise to you Alan, until you tell me not to love you, that is what I will do. I will stop. But you will have to give me time. I'm cutting up my old clothes right now for no reason. It's tiring but it relieves stress, I don't know. Alan, the person you've been talking to on the phone, chatting on msn, seeing from webcam is me but there is more about me that I don't want to tell you because I feel so urghhhsfds. I don't know, I'm a very... "Slow Hot" kind of person, and you've made these 108 days sooooooo wonderful. I want to look back at this incident... and just smile at the good times... I would never laugh at this and think, "God I was so stupid." I don't know if you would... but I won't. I really... really want to call you right now.. to ask how you are doing.... but if I did that... I think... I would be too fan jeen. And I know... you're very.. very tired of this, of me. I feel like a super bitch for ending something that I had hope for. I thought of ways to meet you in real life... I thought of hooking you up with other girls. Ley jun hei... ho ho... ho dao... ngor mm deserve. Ngor jun hei seung da deen wah bey ley... right now... but... I shouldn't... |
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| ¬.¬ What must I do? |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|02:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | seeking for guidance | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ayumi Hamasaki - Evolution | ] |
Today is such a beautiful day, but all I was doing was lying around my bed staring at how bright the lights are seeping in from my window. I'm wide awake, somewhat floating, just thinking about someone. What must I do? I really don't know... so today, I'll be floating around at home, with all these bright lights, it's such a ging day, but why does it feel so empty within? I feel like leaping or something. So sick of myself, I need a girls night out NOW. ARGH. Leap, leap. leap, the feeling of flying, be good be good, stop being so fan. All I feel I'm bringing lately is sadness. Right now all I can think of is...
"Hi, my name is Yours Truly."
"And I am Yours." |
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| ¬.¬ for those days =] |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | =] | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Alex Fong - Secret | ] |
Hahah this is ridiculous... I was upset over my friend who wouldn't spend time with his gf, who is my friend Clara. I guess I got attached to it cause his name is Alan and well *coughs* anyway, yah, so he said I guess I'll get more rest tomorrow, and I thought, damn guy I don't care how busy you've been, take the time to just talk to her on the phone, maybe she'll appreciate that, no matter how busy u are. Maybe I expect that out of everything cause =] is so ^__________^ to me. Yah, so I got upset over his problem, and I was upset for Clara. I hope that never happens, or else that'll be the shit. HAHAHA. And then I asked Tommy if I was weird for feeling attached to an issue that is not of my problem. And he's like well it's something Clara would be upset about to so... I guess it's normal? I don't know. I was really happie by the way today. HEHEHE... Though my mom almost caught me. Gotta think of a better excuse next time. Say it was my lesbian girlfriend..... *looks up at ceiling*
I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow, I have so many friends I haven't seen since highschool, and for me, that was two years ago. Time... freaking... FLIESSSSSS FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK This has been a random ruby entry. tahs! |
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| ¬.¬ ho <3 ley |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|01:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Utterly happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | null - null | ] |
Happy 100th Day Alan Lo-ser!!!
A memory for meeting someone so spectacular! xD
Sum j00 so much ^_______________^ |
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| TT-TT - time keeps on ticking... |
[Jun. 24th, 2005|02:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | undescribable. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Korean Group remains Anonymous | ] |
...I wonder how much longer I have to wait, till I find out... I'm still waiting. Being this upset, this confused, shortens lives to an extent... just... be... happy... please. That's all I ask. |
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| ¬.¬ aiyes |
[Jun. 20th, 2005|12:28 pm] |
i don't know why i'm so frustrated. mm jee dim guy, kum yut lum ha lum ha, hoy chi ham chut ley. hao lung kum yut D fan gan yup ngan, it did kinda sting. hei mm hei see hao...fong dey leh? hei mm hei yee ging toh duk tai loy leh? hei mm hei joung yee duk kuy tai dao.. mm sueng hoy jor kuy leh? ho tao tong. sum tong. ngor yut joung yee yut gor yun... dup beet sum, jao sueng kuy wun yut gor gung ga ho geh yun suuen. tong ngor yut chey... feels like... it'll hoy jor kuy gum. haha. mm jee hei mm hei jee suen geh mun tai, ding hei ngor jee gay chi seen. ngor mm hei mm joung yee kuy, it's rather the opposite... i do... tons. and it hurts... a lot. i'm such a sor por. diu.
this has been a chinglish entry. ph34r my ping yum. |
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| ¬.¬ <3 |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|01:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | =] | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Gwen Stefani - Hollaback girl | ] |
Hehehe, it's been so long since I've written in here, I guess msn space kinda took me away, but I'm getting tired of MSN space, and was inspired by Yokomoto's designs again who also owns a livejournal somewhere around here. Hoping to be inspired soon, since biology ends next week =X I'm in love with someone who's really amazing and I can't share it? LOL Nevertheless, I'm content about it, but then again frustrated about it. I wonder if I should call him. What if he doesn't pick up tho? Seriously... it'll be like who's calling? "YOUR MOM." HAHAHA. Yah.. why am I so nervous thinking of calling.. but not calling... and wondering... and he's probably waiting... and i miss him. Omigosh why do you do this to meeeee. You get me all squirming and stuff =(
One thing's for sure tho, out of my teen years, I'm happiest at 19. Kudos. |
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| ¬.¬ decisions decisions decisions. |
[Feb. 24th, 2005|02:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bloggery o.O | ] |
| [ | music |
| | lecture - peter | ] |
I'm making this journal super fun? I'll put up the things I find interestin in real life or online and post them up here. I guess you can say it's publicly free advertisement. WOOT WOOOT!!! Sounds more fun than reading my crap anyday.
Goals, goals, and more goals. Janice brought up a great idea. DANCE!! H!P H0P arrr!!! v^-^
Janice: LET'S TAKE UP HIP HOP DANCING ^^
Ruby: OKAY!!!!! When!? xD
Janice:... RIGHT NOW
Ruby: XD WHERE?
Janice: okay next week?
Ruby: why not start next month?
Janice: true... u know anyone who dances who might be willing ta teach us?
Ruby: Doh. ¬.¬"
Anyway, we'll make sure we do some dancing. In the meantime, drop a few pounds. LOVE CALI ROLLS. WOOT WOOT. I need more friends on live journal damnsors... |
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| ¬.¬ where did my motivation go? |
[Jan. 26th, 2005|03:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | dry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Endless Road - JJ Lin | ] |
Well Journal, I don't know why I message here, when my favorite place is easyjournal. Hahaha. I don't have the urge to do anything. I didn't hand in one assignment, I'm always just like saying oh I'll do that later, and I've been ragnaroking like mad. It's stupid, when I get haxed... I'm going to be saying, I paid to waste my time that I already don't have enough of? It's true I know I shouldn't be playing, I know the problem, I know the symptoms, but it's just... hard to stop? Anyway life is still dullard. BLAH.. I need to know when to open to people, when not to. I haven't quite controlled that well enough. Probably eye contact problem, hahaha. I need a trim!!!! My bangs are getting !@%!#%&Y$#. |
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| ¬.¬ myyy baddd |
[Jan. 20th, 2005|11:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | reminscing | ] |
| [ | music |
| | S.H.E. - some long ass song | ] |
Okay, this has been like 4 months since I've last posted an entry. This place is perty cool, I can say whatever, type whatever, and feel... pretty much whatever. Nothing's been interesting much so there hadn't been much to write about. I feel different, I guess the haircut and visiting Bahamas changed that. I love to travel. If I could, I would want to travel the entire world and back again. There is so much we just take for granted... simple neccessities like water can be extremely expensive in other countries. Oh how I love love love Canada. YOU ROCK! |
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| Friends again? |
[Sep. 30th, 2004|01:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | quiet... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Some oldschool song, Rythme | ] |
Yesterday I messaged ber on friendster. Turns out she never read it, but weird, that nite she messaged me on msn asking for a calc textbook. Hahaha, but yah, no more blocking... it's just the friendship's been so long, it's hard to say forgets it. Anyway I'm done my ranting for today. |
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| ¬.¬ neverending change |
[Sep. 28th, 2004|04:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | enthusiasm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Black Eyed Peas - Let's get Retarded | ] |
I want to learn so much. Each time I take a step up to each goal I achieve, I'll be improved. Hopefully I'll become someone who's found my true strengths. Wish me luck.
1. Learn how to draw
2. Learn how to cg
3. Learn how to cook, bake, essence of cooking
4. Learn how to play drums
5. Learn how to find a freaking fashion sense. HAHA.
Goals till I'm 21. That's a long way to go. Each mission completed, I'll scratch it off. But then again, there's always room for improvements. Learning, patience, and your will is a gift sent by God, use it wisely people, tahs. |
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